Regret
by AmyJ10
Summary: He didn't quite know what he was doing. He didn't quite know why he was there, standing outside her apartment after months of no contact...


He didn't quite know what he's doing. He didn't quite know why he was there, standing outside her apartment after months of no contact. He just knew that he needs to see her. The urge was always there, the need to see her, to see her face, to hear her voice. The urge was stronger today so strong that he could no longer fight it. He'd been stood there for what feels like hours, unable to lift his hand and knock.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea, getting drunk and turning up at her house after months of no contact. She had called him, constantly. He'd ignored her calls, knowing that she would be hurt and confused. What right did he have to push himself back into her life after so long? Just because he could no longer fight the urge to be near her, because suddenly his need to see her came before even his most basic needs? He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a full night's sleep, or a decent meal.

Even if she slammed the door in his face, even if she punched him square in the jaw, at least he'd see her. He knew that he'd made her miserable, almost constantly. He was never there for her, not like she had been for him. She had spent almost their entire partnership making sure he didn't do get himself killed or fired, what had he done for her? He'd treated her like crap, yelled at her and picked his bad moods out on her. It was a wonder she hadn't left him for good a long time ago. Instead he walked out on her, didn't even have the bottle to tell her himself, to answer her phone calls. She must have been miserable, he wondered if she'd recovered yet. Nearly ten months later, he wondered if she was still as upset. He knew things hit her hard, he hated the idea of her still hurting because of him. He wondered if perhaps she'd locked herself away, rejected her new partner, was she even with the squad anymore? He had had a few conversations with Fin, Munch and Cragen, not once had she been mentioned. He had asked them not to mention their conversations to her, he hadn't mentioned why, maybe they knew.

She had been his addiction for so long, his only vice. He had lusted after her for years, forcing himself not to think about cheating on his wife, his beautiful wife. He'd treated her like shit as well. He couldn't pretend that he hadn't closed his eyes and thought of _her_ as his wife writhed underneath him, moaning his name, sometimes accidentally, sometimes not.

When he quit, decided to leave, he knew that unless he cut her out completely he wouldn't survive. He couldn't face knowing she was still out there, without him to watch her back. Of course he knew that was the case, but he could try to pretend it wasn't if he didn't see her, hear her talking about work, her new partner. He had thought about calling her, thousands of times, but he couldn't summon the courage that facing her after so long would take.

He'd hoped daily that she hadn't been too sad, too miserable or lonely. He knew that it was pointless, he wondered what would have happened if she had left him for good, he never would have survived. She would be devastated, he knew her, she didn't just let hurt like this go, he was the closest thing she had to family, in fact he was her only family. Her brother hadn't been in touch in years. He was her only real friend and he'd just walked without so much as an explanation. He was a bastard. What the hell was he doing coming here looking for comfort?

He was about to turn away when he heard her voice, and the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs towards him. He closes his eyes for second, panicking. He ran up the flight of stairs adjacent to her apartment, suddenly unable to face her. He couldn't stand to see how unhappy she was, knowing that it was his fault.

Olivia smiled as David wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her impossibly closer towards him. She turned to face him, pressing her lips against his as his hands roamed her body. Concentrating on only each other they collided with the wall, she was pinned against it and loving every minute. Her tongue traced his bottom lip as he pressed his erection against her thigh.

"God, I want you, now… here…" David whispered, rolling his hips. "You are so hot, how the hell did I get you?"

"You got very lucky," she mumbled in between kisses. "And I got very drunk…" she slurred slightly.

"Am I taking advantage of you?" he laughed, equally as drunk. David pulled away from her with a frown on his face. "Aren't you in tomorrow at six?" he asked, checking his watch. It was nearly midnight.

"My partner swapped with me," she smiled, watching as his eyes lit up.

"You have… a brilliant partner," David whispered, pushing one of the shoulders of her jacket off, followed by the other until her jacket lay on the ground.

"I have the best partner in the world," Olivia moaned as David's lips met her neck. "We need to go…inside now…"

"I don't want to stop touching you," David cupped her breast, his teeth grazing her neck.

"Then get inside, and touch me," she pulled him by the tie, slid her key into the lock and dragged him into her apartment, slamming the door behind them.

Elliot could hear her laughing as he walked down the last few steps. His heart ached more than it ever had before. Listening to another man touching her, telling her what he wanted to do to her was worse than any gunshot he had ever received. He stopped as he saw her jacket lying on the ground, slowly he walked towards it picking it up. She wasn't miserable, she was happy. She said that she had the best partner in the world, a partner who wasn't him. He wanted to kick down the door and beat the shit out of the bastard who got to touch her, then go find her new partner and beat the shit out of him. It was too late, she wasn't missing him at all,she'd forgotten all about him.

"I'm telling you I left it out here-"

Elliot hadn't even heard the door open, suddenly there she was, eyes wide, lips swollen. He was there too, with his arms around her, apparently unable to stop touching her.

"Uh, thanks buddy, sorry we must have dropped it on the way up here," David managed to tear himself away from Olivia long enough to walk towards Elliot and reach for the coat. Elliot and Olivia simply stared at each other, neither one of them able to move. Elliot released him grip on the coat as David, who was completely oblivious, walked back to Olivia.

"I…" he had so much to say, so many conflicting feeling filled the pit of his stomach. Hurt, fear, anger. His heart raced as he looked into her eyes and saw what he had been dreading more than anything in the world, not the fear of her being desperately miserable, missing him and hating him for leaving, it was the fear that's he felt none of those things at all. She had looked happier than he had ever seen her until he'd shown up, had she even missed him at all? He felt the anger building up in the pit of his stomach, so he turned away, and without saying a single word he left, again.


End file.
